Friday, 15 May 2015

Becoming Your Own Hero | Part 4: An Empty Bus & Friendships

It's been a few weeks since I last wrote a post for my Becoming Your Own Hero series here on my blog.  Although, that doesn't mean I haven't been thinking about it a lot of the time.

I rarely write 'personal' posts on my blog but, I feel as though this entire series has the word 'personal' written all over it.
 I'm not viewing this as a bad thing however, it's something that I'm struggling with.

I'm really scared about not only writing this post but hitting that publish button.  This is a subject which I find quite difficult to talk about but feel is something that I need to talk about as part of this series.

The people around you can have a huge influence on not only your confidence but who you are as a person.  This is something I've been thinking a lot about recently and I've mainly been thinking about this in terms of friendships.
I just finished watching Dodie Clark's video My Brain (tour diary) and I'm sitting in my room by myself and I'm very tearful after watching it. 
There is someone in my life who I thought was one of my close friends but, I'm realising that the way this person treats me makes me feel very negatively about myself (as if I don't do enough of that already!).   So, I've been distancing myself from that person because I feel they have been making my self confidence worse rather than helping me feel more confident in who I am.
But, I'm also feeling very guilty for distancing myself from this person with no explanation whatsoever, I'm scared to tell them why I'm doing this.
 Dodie explained in her video that your life is like a bus.  People get on the bus and people get off the bus. 
I would highly recommend watching the entire video, it's very beautiful 
Let's say that my life is a double decker bus.  My family are sitting upstairs, I'm sitting downstairs by myself.  This is what I feel is an accurate representation of how my life has been for quite a long time now. 
Basically what I'm trying to get at is that my family are in my life, I know that they would do anything for me and help me in anyway that they possibly can but, since I was about 13 or 14 I've been too scared to let people be a prominent part of my life. 
I know that whenever I'm able too, my family will be more than happy for me to be on the top level of the bus with them and, even bring other people along with me, just like they've done.
But, I know that on the rare occasions that I've been there I've then gone back downstairs to be by myself.
Because I'm sitting downstairs this means that I'm feeling pretty lonely because I'm scared about letting people into my life because I know that means it's easier for me to get hurt and for me to hurt other people.
But one of my favourite sayings is that 'you can choose your own family as well as your friends', to me this means that people are capable of finding friends that mean so much to them that they're practically family.
But I'm currently at a stage where I have pushed away a lot of my friends and I'm now feeling very lonely because of it (just to make this clear I'm talking about IRL friends and not blogger friends in this post).
As far as friendships go there are people who have been downstairs on the bus with me for a long time but are no longer there.
There are people who I am glad are no longer there and, there are people who used to be there and I miss them being there so much that it hurts.
I spend a lot of my time by myself, like I'm doing right now.  I'm a naturally quite person and have low self esteem.  But I laugh really easily and have a good imagination.  I'm not very good at talking to people but I love to write.  I am very shy but sometimes when I start talking, I don't know when to stop.  I can be extremely clingy one minute then cold and distant the next.  I'm a pessimist and seriously struggle to see the positives in a lot of things.
I know that having a negative mind-set is stopping me from making friends but, I'm trying to be more positive.  I'm struggling a lot but I am trying and I'm hoping that wherever I go in the future will help me to grow into a better person.
This is one of my favourite quotes from The Perks Of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.
I've recently found that I'm distancing myself from people and not letting anyone get too close.  This is mainly because I've lost a lot of friends in the past so, now I just push people away before they can be the one that pushes me away.
I've had a lot of bad friendships in the past and been friends with people who put me down, make fun of me and, make me feel like the person I am isn't 'the right person'.
If I'm ever to make friends in the future then I know that I'm going to do my absolute best to surround myself with people who make me happy, accept me for the slightly messed up person that I am and, help to build my confidence and grow as a person.
And I want to definitely try to do the same for them.
I'm currently sitting on the lower decker of the bus that is my life, by myself.  My family are sitting upstairs.  There are people getting on the downstairs level but getting off again after being there for a short period of time, either because they're choosing too or because I'm pushing them away.   There are also some people who get on and off on a regular basis and I'm always happy when they get on but sad when they leave again, sometimes for reasons which neither of us can prevent.
I find friendship a very difficult thing but, I'm hoping that some people get on the downstairs level soon and that our friendship will be good enough that they might want to stay there permanently.
I'm very picky when it comes to friendships and I don't think this is a bad thing but, I think I also need to learn to be a better friend.
I think that what I'm trying to get at is that I have a very tiny amount of friendships in my life and that trying to make some more positive friendships in my life will require a lot more self confidence than I currently have.
I feel that in order to grow in my self confidence I need to find friends who will not only allow me to do this but also help me to develop my confidence in myself.
This post is part of my Becoming Your Own Hero series about self confidence.  You can read all the previous posts from this series by clicking here.  And I would just like to say a really huge thank you for all of the lovely, encouraging comments I received on my previous post in this series, I appreciate them a lot.
Let me know in the comments how you think friendships affect confidence, I'd love to hear from you.  Also, if you have any tips on making more positive friendships then please let me know in the comments, it would be greatly appreciated.
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